This is 40

The other day in the car Matt asked me if I was having any thoughts on turning another decade older.

For the past few weeks as I’ve thought of aging I keep coming back to not really focusing on the decade change. Every year you turn another year old, that’s how it works. 40 is just another number. Somewhere in the course of history we’ve chosen to focus on decades. Now it has developed an importance and reverence that most people adhere to. I’ve decided not to.

So, when Matt asked me about my thoughts I didn’t have anything special to share. Instead I reflected on how much I’ve grown over the past year and how so much of that growth is about doing the daily work of reflection, change and evolution. I wasn’t waiting for 40 to be the box I check in order to do the work of change. He got it. I process this stuff on a daily basis with him.

I think I’ve become more myself as I head into 40, but not because of the last 10 years, more like because of the last 2 years. And I’m really happy about that. Most people I know will you tell you the same about turning 40.

I’ve been able to take a step back this past year and really focus in on the aspects of who I am that I want to shine brightest, that aspects of me that I want to shine brighter and the parts of myself that were false masks I put on. Window dressings that I can pull down, see the stains on, and just toss.

I feel lighter. I feel healthy. I feel like I’m ready to keep doing the work of evolving into who I am.

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A few weeks ago I was able to do a breath work session thought work. It was incredible. I went in thinking I’d tap into anxiety, that I might release some fear and anxious thoughts. Instead I uncovered that what I’ve been carrying around is sadness. Deep sadness at the loss of my Dad. When I go back and read some of my posts from 2019 I have kind of a duh moment, because that’s pretty much all I wrote about.

With this discovery I recognized that instead of filling myself up with pride, recognition and worth from my accomplishments, I’ve been looking for a Dad replacement to do that. Time for me to do that for myself. Because I’m the closets thing to him that still breaths. (besides my brother who tells me every year on my brother how proud he is of me and what I role model I am to him)

I’ve started to let that go, and find it within me, and it feels good. Happy birthday to me.

Listen. I don’t have it all figured out at 40. I think maybe my Grandparents were close to having that down at 96.

What I do know is that if you aren’t looking at yourself, recognizing where you are at, understanding where you want to go, and appreciating that the only one holding you back is yourself, then you aren’t really living.

As I said to ring in the new year,

“Here we go!”