Blessings

I keep the leaving the house in the morning with a lighter jacket than I need. As I walk in to the early Spring New England air that rushes down Summer St. to the seaport I remind myself it will be enough when I leave in the afternoon. The air warmer from the sun, now nearer to us.

To think we live on a planet that is always moving, who has brought us once again in to a rotation closer to warmth. Light. Growth. Renewal.

I want to meditate more. No definition of what. I want to spend more time still. Calming my body. Deep in my mind and just be. I tell myself I don’t have time to do it. And when I found myself eyes closed, alone, on a table with steam blowing in to my skin to rehydrate it I thought, “Well now is the time.” So I imagined myself. I told myself positive things. And my Dad came to me. I heard him talking to me. I saw him. His whole being.

This time of year is always a blessing, and is always a reminder of loss.

Last week I read a quote that resonated with me. “Worry is the ego's way of satisfying itself with any answer” - James McCrae said it in his book, “Shit your ego says”. One of the biggest lessons I gained from losing my Dad was embracing groundlessness. It doesn’t mean I can always managed groundlessness, but I recognize that it exists. Always. We do not operate with a ground beneath us. The ego desperately wants one there. Because the ego needs definition.

Living in a world where Spring wakes us all up from the slumber of Winter is magical. It is a beautiful reminder of life, being, existence, and growth. Living a life where Spring also brings my world back to a place of loss, of grief, of death amongst life is another reality. It is when I tap back into groundlessness. Of the skill I’ve built to be confident in a life when I know the truth. That life means death. That there is nothing beneath my feet. That while the earth spins, and tilts toward the sun, one day we will all be gone and that will continue. The confidence of standing on firm ground isn’t enough to stop the inevitable. And you, we, don’t know any more than that.

When people ask me how I am, I say “Good!” because if I react quickly that’s the truth. When I sit in a quiet dark room, with instrumental pop songs I try to recognize playing around me, and I really think about it I don’t know if that’s the answer. I don’t really have an answer. I still feel I’m in an in-between time.

I’m excited to see what wakes up around us as we move into Spring. It is my favorite season, still. When I look around me I feel blessed. Immensely. I think it is because when I go deep I can embrace groundlessness. There’s good, there’s sadness, there’s difficulty, there’s easy and hard. It is all happening all the time. The world still wakes up in Spring. Flowers bloom, trees come back to life, the ground warms up, the stink bugs move back outside. Maybe I’ll plant a Garden. Maybe I’ll buy flowers to put in the ground, or fill my steps with. Because in a groundless world digging your hands in to the ground is often the most soothing act.