Being a Rainbow

I'm going to explore a little real talk about myself today, on this mid way through February Monday. A get to know me crash course. 

I'm a helper. It is a trait that was handed down to me from my parents. We help. We like to help. We are drawn to careers that help. We are drawn to family, and being part of a family unit so we can have helping roles. We attract people to us, as helpers. We give a lot. 

I give a lot, of myself. 

When I saw this in a coloring book I bought for a gift, but Emilio insisted we keep for us to color, I felt like it spoke to me. That's me. Being a rainbow (cause I'm an eternal optimist too)

But you know what? People are exhausting. 

I'm an introvert too. I need time alone to recharge. I don't get energy from others. 

Which is in direct contradiction to my desire to be around people and help them, and my career choice to be in a field where my value and worth to a company is basically talking to people all day. 

I'm also kind of perfectionist. But not in a "things have to be perfect" way. In a "I know how to do this right" way. 

So, at the end of most days I'm left feeling like this. 

I don't think I really admitted a lot of this to myself for most of my adult life. I was more the, "I love people and I love helping people and give me all the people to help!" person. I was drawn to drama, I was attracted to other people's drama, and wanted to be in the know and a part of the solution. I gave too much of myself away to them. 

I've been much more self reflective in the last year. Aging helps. Surrounding yourself with deeper people helps. Trusting people who tell you, "Stop giving your energy to others."

Critical thinking is a trait I inherited too. Right along with problem solving. And I'm finally putting it to use for myself. 

Do you know what drama does? It protects your ego. You know what your ego doesn't want you to do? Be self reflective. Why? Because it is hard. Because it means you have to change. Because it means you have work to do.

The meaning of life? I think it has a lot to do with evolution. And evolving is hard fucking work. 

But it feels good.  Because, I like who I am. I like focusing on myself and not so much on others. I like spending time with myself. I like spending time with people who help me too. I like spending time on them and myself and my family. That's who deserves my energy. Not the random stranger who's drama gives me a buzz as I get all the dirty details. 

Also, I know the secret/spoiler. And now, you will too. I found out for myself. So I can live a lot more grounded and a lot more openly about who I am, what I want, what I deserve and what I need to work on. And that, feels like a rainbow on any cloudy day.