We drove up our dark driveway, I opened the door and we wrapped up both children in our arms and safely transplanted them to their beds. I turned on white noise, tucked in covers, and later I would come in amidst tears and cut off their wrist bands.
As I started to unpack, to put things we brought back in their places, I got sad. Deeply sad. We’d only been gone for a day and a half. For one night. And yet, coming back home, ending the trip early, which I knew was best for all of us, left me feeling sad.
As I started to think about it more I connected with what was really going on. I wasn’t missing Great Wolf Lodge. We’d fully taken advantage of all they had to offer, and sleeping there one more night wasn’t going to give us much except another bad night of sleep for me.
It was coming home, come back to our house, connecting with the end of this time between years coming to a close and what that meant. We’d just been away, albeit a short burst of time, just the four of us. For the first time. And I think that brief time away gave deep insight into what really matters in life, for me.
I wasn’t worried about things outside that Lodge. I wasn’t really on my phone or checking in. I wasn’t posting anything on social media, I was in the moment. I was watching my kids be kids. I was eating bad food and spending time with just us. The four of us. We weren’t going off to jobs and school. We weren’t even running errands or working out. And we are a family that naturally spends a lot of time together. But this time was different.
And I regretted ending it early.
If this is what life is all about, why did we take the opportunity to leave it early? I mean, I know why. And it made sense.
I sat in our bed telling Matt why I was feeling sad. I cried and said to him, “this is going to make me cry to say.” And then I said it any way.
“I just love our kids so much.”
And it’s true. And I know I’m not out of the ordinary here.
There was something special about this time away. About this age of both of them. About it being the first time just for us.
There was a moment right before we left. The kids were running around being kids. I was sitting and watching them. A little bit fuzzy from the beer I was drinking. A little bit fuzzy from the moment I was drinking in.
Sitting at a wooden picnic table, lights and sounds buzzing around me. Other families walking in and out of my picture. Hearing Ava’s joyful yells, watching Emilio zoom past. Knowing, deep down that this is what it is all about. Just being. With them. And knowing, this is what life is for me. This is what I’ve chosen and what I work for. These moments when I can sit and watch, these moments when I can get up and be in it.
Climbing on a ropes course with Emilio.
Watching Ava swim around in her life jacket in an over-chlorinated pool.
Riding down a water slide tunnel on a raft with Emilio.
Watching Ava light up as she tells us a story over dinner.
High fiving Emilio after he gets a strike in bowling. Hugging him after he misses a putt in mini golf.
And I know I can get moments back at home, back in our day to day life. But leaving them behind, leaving that lesson behind left me sad.
So I’m going to take it with me.
I made a cave out of couch pillows, a tent and a tablecloth last night before I went to bed. They had expressed sadness leaving behind the “cave” their bunkbeds were in. So I recreated it.
I want the world for these children I birthed and raised so far. And clearly, going away and spending time together as our Family awakened this knowledge in me. Something I already strived for, but a deeper sense of it was cracked wide open inside of me. A recognition of how to balance and strive for a life where presence, commitment and time together is prioritized. Whether it is home or away or both.
And what a good time to recognize that as we prepare to start a brand new year.
